Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Our Son JJ

Our son Jie Juan (JJ) was born on 23rd June 1990 and the first two months of his life was traumatic to say the least. He had severe neonatal respiratory distress syndrome and was given only a 5% chance of survival. Even that special neonatal specialist at Subang Jaya Medical Centre, Dr Lee Eng Lam implied it would take a near miracle for JJ to pull through and told us to consider letting JJ go. I could write volumes about that episode but, it suffices to say, JJ was later known as the miracle baby Cheah of SJMC.

Jeannie was by his side daily at the ICU; talking and talking to him while his small hand held on to her little finger. Indeed, later this was how Jeannie calmed baby JJ down when he was crying...her little finger.

Yes, JJ has faced and overcome his worst challenge during the first two months of his life. Though he cannot possibly remember, it is enough that he takes in perspective any challenges he might face as he moves on in life. The biggest hurdle had already been overcome at his time of birth! Actually, his miracle started before his birth but I shall leave that for another blogpost. For now, JJ is developing into the fine young man that Mummy would have been proud of.

This blogpost is because I just recalled JJ's own blogpost two days before his 17th birthday and exactly 3 weeks before Jeannie's sudden demise in 2007. I would like to share the exchange between parents and son with all parents and sons. The first post is JJ's in his own characteristic style, followed by Mummy who chose to partly paraphrase Kahlil Gibran and lastly my own letter to my soon to be 17 son:

Most of all, I'm well aware of my vary of cautious writing in my blog or so to speak. But somehow I think its not necessary for every post to be a joyful and a happy one. Somehow, I rarely write about my personal stuff that I keep and hide from my fellow readers, but I think its best to let it out than to hide behind the lies or the secrets I've been holding on to my feelings and intentions for too long.

To start it off, I want you guys to know that things I hoped for to live on for the greater good doesn't always come by. I'm sure you (readers) would feel the same way.The sun ain't always shining, what we've done (good or bad) is what lies in the past and they may haunt you sometimes. Not everything about me is good as what you've read about me all along. They are true in a way, but behind the mind of a blogger like me, there's more than meets the posts..

Now I'm willing to share with you, one of my darker depths in life you may have seen.

Darkness may reign over me and may embrace the world in gray as the same. I tried my best, I feel satisfied and I'm proud of the accomplishment, but I feel as though it just ain't enough and its yet to be blamed by my own cause.

Not forgiving yourself is well worth of betraying yourself. Which in my opinion, its not that simple. Because forgiving for what you've done, there's gotta be a reason for everything from the past. There's more than enough wisdom in myself and even yours to know why the action was even taken in the first place from the past.

Its in your blood, your intentions, your will.

We may have one or several number of alter egos we play roles in our daily lives. When its up to the point when the act of an individual gets gets mutual and controversial. Your mind is like being clawed by an unknown monster and eats your good thoughts passively. And you yourself may become the 'monster'

Tell me, could it be that he who desires something gets 'seduced' by the demon or is it a passion which becomes an obsession that begins to go on and carries with him in his life cycle?

Is it because, what he has created begins to regret where he started or is it the fact that what he has never intentionally put himself in that position begins to unwind the tragic story?

As far as the 'Law Of Attraction' is concerned; he who thinks about brings about, yes. But what if something were to really attract him to it, were to backfire towards his mindset and things get really messy without any doubtful mindsets in his head? Thats what I always wonder. Dad, if you're reading this, I would actually wonder why is it that way.

Thats whats been happening to me all this while, the good and the bad..what do you expect? That ain't necessary. No, I'm not sitting here continuously writing till something pops out of my mind and find the reasons as to why I'm being in this state of mind. I'm writing because I wanna express out and know myself a little bit better.

I've had disappointments I kept inside and replace it with good feelings and I know the world in its current matter/state of affairs can be a cold and dark place to live in and yet a warm and bright place to settle and embrace life as it is no matter what.

I don't take these intentionally but to discover why things aren't going so well these days. Miserable all the time? Dunno. Not satisfied? Maybe. Expect more out of life? Absolutely. Feeling discriminated by my failure and feeling prolonged happiness for my success which has an approximately 60:40% and a 40:60% inequivalent balance in my daily life.

I don't think of what people think I am but somehow people know me for who I am. They who say things like,"Yo, Static Spike's the man! You should go for lead guitar and beat the crap asses out of people" or even in terms like,"You will go far in life of what you do. No problem at all"

Somehow, my intentions tell me that I don't buy that kind of crap. I did it because of a reason I've made. And people who assumed me this and that is like things had been taken away from me what I've left away, "When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some..reasons to be missed. And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest" is what Chester Bennington said in his words of view

The purity of life brings me hope and makes life fun and easier. The impurity of life brings me difficulty that me stronger to resist it and the black hat I've become. Mood swings on my mind. A 'shape-changing' feeling and despair of personality I can't explain and muster.

All in all, this is who I am and I shall not be ashamed or not to even be proud of at the same time. We go through the crash course phases which would lead to (?)
Posted by Jie Juan/Static Spike at 11:04 PM

2 opinions:
Soul_Voice said...

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Pain and foolishness lead to great bliss and complete knowledge, for Eternal Wisdom created nothing under the sun in vain.Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be.

Letting go, forgiving oneself and others are part and parcel of setting yourself free. For deep down I see a nice young guy reaching for nothing but the best.I am proud that you are learning fast, of this letting go part which is necessary for any human life.

The law of attraction and the law of the Universe includes.....Freedom in oneself.

May The Force Be With You...With all my blessings and love always......Happy 17th Birthday my son. 11:37 AM


KSCheah said...

My Dear Son,

Tomorrow is your 17th birthday. As you pass this milestone in your life and are yet another year closer to Manhood, be proud that you have been “man” enough to express your inner feelings the way you did in your blog.

Reading it, I am mindful that your intention of writing it was to help you rationalize your internal and external environment as you navigate through this awkward phase in a boy’s life. Believe you me, I too have been there!

We all know we are only human yet it takes true courage to admit openly (as you have done), we are fallible. That is an important aspect of growth; you then go about improving yourself and trying to avoid repeating the same follies in life.

I am glad you have experienced that life is indeed not always a bed of roses; it cannot be.

I can see you are wrestling with your thoughts and feel frustrated at times when things are not the way you prefer them to be. In the final analysis son, thoughts are all we have; thoughts are all we own; thoughts are all we can control. Thoughts are all we need!

You wrote, “Darkness may reign over me and may embrace the world in gray”. Let me share with you a sad reality that I learnt the hard way; the world exists in gray. There are very few things that are clear cut; good and bad are relative, right and wrong depends on which side you are on. Let me explain.

Someone once said, "Each of us are the sum total of all the decisions we have made to date". Well, decisions are the product of conscious or subconscious thought. As sentient beings, humans inherently have a strong self-preservation mechanism. This is in-built in our psyche.

“Peace of mind” is part of self-preservation and in order to achieve this "equilibrium", as humans we need to be able to “reconcile ourselves to ourselves” so to speak. We do that by justifying things to ourselves and we do all that by making decisions in our thoughts! This relates back to what I said earlier about “thoughts”.

Son, because of the above, it is most pertinent to keep in mind that; “SELF-JUSTIFICATION” may well be the biggest word in the human dictionary. We can always self-justify to ourselves ALL our own thoughts, and resultant decisions and actions, regardless of whether the outcomes of those decisions/actions are good or bad. That in itself is very dangerous because it can lead to disaster.

Fortunately, there are two beacons that we can use to guide us. One is KNOWLEDGE and the other is that little voice that always accompanies our conscious mind called, CONSCIENCE.

Son, try to gain as much knowledge and always have a “heart”. These are my words to you on your 17th birthday. Happy Birthday son; be assured that I always have your best interest at heart.


No comments: