Tuesday, 28 August 2007


Its RWC time again and the tournament drop kicks off on the 7th of September (Final on 20th October) at the Stade de France in Saint Dennis. EPL? What EPL??

After disappointing rugby fans in Malaysia two months ago by not carrying the Tri-Nations live, Astro is redeeming itself. The RWC will be shown on two channels, ESPN and StarSports and as expected some of the games will be delayed telecasts on the same day. The following is the tentative schedule for September courtesy of a chum in Astro:

Sunday, 26 August 2007

Bangsa Malaysia Merdeka Get Together @ Bloghouse

Pix courtesy of TV Smith

Last evening I attended the above gathering at Bloghouse, located in Damansara Heights. Bloghouse is the clubhouse of the recently formed National Alliance of Bloggers (All-Blogs) which was belatedly set up after bloggers Ahirudin “Rocky’s Bru” Atan and Jeff Ooi (Screenshots) were sued by the NST for defamation.

As an association where membership is not only limited to socio-political bloggers, All-Blogs was set up in advocacy of item 7 of the MSC Bill of Guarantees; no internet censorship. Membership is open to all bloggers. The idea of Bloghouse was to give All-Blogs a physical home.

Although the get together yesterday was the initiative of lawyer cum blogger, Haris Ibrahim (People’s Parliament) it was supported by All-Blogs which was also officially launching Bloghouse on the same day.

A forum/workshop, “Bangsa Malaysia: The Way Forward” which started at 5.00 pm preceded the gathering and I was among the 30 or so invited. Initially, I felt out of place and was wondering what the hell I was doing there until I met another orang Taiping; georgy porgy Bernard Khoo (Zorro Unmasked), the oldest blogger there (born 1940) was one of the scheduled speakers.

Although there was an itinerary, the function was by and large devoid of formalities. After the forum, I reckon there were finally more than 100 people at the gathering. It appeared to be a pot-luck arrangement by the organizers for the food and drinks but what surprised me was the fridge stocked with beer for all.

Overall, the ambience and conduct was reminiscence of a typical Taiping get-together. The multi-racial crowd was definitely a gathering of like minded individuals and I was tempted to think that this was going to be another “preaching to the choir” initiative that was going no where in no time. Many of those there seem to be familiar with each other and the camaraderie was clear.

As the forum/workshop progressed, it became apparent that this “bloggers united” cabal was serious about realizing their dream of a Bangsa Malaysia identity. This was an inaugural event and there are plans to have road shows in all major towns throughout the country. This was a ripple with an ambition to be a tsunami; influencing the social landscape and demography of the nation. The two objectives of the forum were to attempt to create an acceptable profile of Bangsa Malaysia and to discuss potential obstacles to the realization of the Bangsa Malaysia ideal.

The brainstorming session was a prelude to the formation of Haris Ibrahim’s proposed PELITAR (short for Penyayang Legasi dan Inspirasi Tunku Abdul Rahman) with its complementary constitution, mission statement, operational structures, etc. As the name suggests, the organization draws inspiration from Bapak Malaysia. PELITAR is targetted to be the formal identity of the Bangsa Malaysia movement to carry the aspiration to other parts of the country. While yesterday’s get together was more a fellowship session, concrete plans are in place for a wide scale awareness campaign which apart from road shows includes a new website and an e-group to aggregate feedback.

Also launched yesterday was "Project Irrelevant"; a campaign to encourage all Malaysians to state "irrelevant" if asked the "sex" and "religion" questions, and to answer "Bangsa Malaysia" to the question of "race" when filling in official forms. Quite an ingenious "mind-set" campaign actually.

The speakers for the day were retired teacher and now trainer/blogger Bernard Khoo (Zorro Unmasked), lawyer Dato’ Zaid Ibrahim (the vocal Barisan Member of Parliament for Kota Baru), journalist Ahirudin “Rocky’s Bru” Atan, lawyer/civil rights activist Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, Deputy Dean of MU Law Faculty, Associate Professor Dr Azmi Sharom and retired civil servant/statistician, Jayanath Appudurai.

Bernard spoke on the historical background of the nation post 1945 focusing on how all races suffered together during the process of nation building. He shared some of his personal experiences growing up in Taiping during the Japanese Occupation and during May 13, 1969.

Dato' Zaid Ibrahim emphasized the protection of the nation’s Constitution and to preserve the powers and integrity of the nation’s constitutional institutions like the judiciary; a check and balance needs to be maintained. There should not be any notions of dominance. He warned that the nation could be living on reserve tank.

Ahirudin Atan got 6 members of the floor to read national literary laureate, Dato’ Usman Awang’s unpublished 1949 love story about a group of young Malayans chasing the Bangsa Malaya dream. That underscored the fact that the “One Nation One People” aspiration existed even then.

Malik Imtiaz underlined the need for Malaysians to reclaim democracy that has been eroded over the last 25 years and decried the apathy amongst Malaysians towards even issues that affect their rights as citizens.

Azmi Sharom started out “reciting” the first four lines of the national anthem and observed that there was no mention of bangsa (only rakyat) in the Negara Ku. He also stressed that the education system needs to be revamped and that there are not enough suitable role models for the students. Azmi mentioned the existence of an elitist ruling class that has no qualms about leading the country to the boondocks. To paraphrase him: “the road that we are on as a nation is a road to ruination!”

To me, perhaps the speaker who was most enlightening was the unassuming Mr Jayanath Appudurai. His discourse was statistics based pragmatism and he showed that the road ahead for Bangsa Malaysia was long and arduous. Success which is not guaranteed may also be just a figment of the imagination.

One thing common to all was the call for an end to race based politics.

It being an informal forum, Haris Ibrahim moderated well enough under the circumstances.

The workshop to attempt a definition of Bangsa Malaysia was not surprisingly steered by some members of the floor to matters totally divergent. Perhaps it would have been expedient for the organizers to propose certain traits and then get members of the floor to give their inputs. Nevertheless, there were a few good suggestions even from the younger participants.

During the proceedings there was of course the “customary” visit by your friendly neighborhood mata-mata in their patrol cars but since the function was carried out within the compound of Bloghouse there was not any bone for them to pick.

Dinner was the usual Malaysian fare of satay, nasi lemak, fried chicken, kueh muih, fried noodles, etc., etc. There was more than enough food to go around and the nasi lemak was good.

For me, it was also an opportunity to put faces to many of the bloggers I only knew by their handles; there were "What a Lulu", "Desiderata", "MageP's Lab", "Walski-myAsylum", "Ancient Mariner", "Sang Kelembai", and many others. Marina Mahathir ("RantingsbyMM") and Nuraina Samad ("3540 Jalan Sudin") were also there.

The organizers had planned live video streaming from notable Malaysian bloggers overseas (M. Bakri Musa, etc) but were let down by malfunctioning equipment. All-Blogs pro-tem Secretary, Tony Yew played an exemplary role. All in all, I think the organizers did a very good job with the events of the day and more importantly, the fire in their bellies is burning fiercely. I am certain the ripple will at least make waves.

Haris Ibrahim deserves my respect for his courage of conviction and his boundless energy to fight for a cause that is sure to create reactions. My personal opinion to him was that denigrators to the Bangsa Malaysia concept were already objecting it was superfluous because we are already called “Malaysians”; my suggestion is that the credo, “One Nation, One People” should also include, “One Soul"

Bangsa Malaysia: “One Nation, One People, One Soul

The night ended with the reciting of the Rukunegara and singing of Negara Ku with each attendee holding a lighted candle in the dark. A flicker of hope? Light at the end of a tunnel? Small lights overwhelmed by darkness perhaps? It is up to us to decide isn't it?

Sunday, 19 August 2007

Life After Life? What Do You Want To Think?

My father was a headmaster of a school in Pengkalan Baru, near Pantai Remis for almost the whole decade of the 70s. We lived in Taiping because Pengkalan Baru was a mere 45 minutes drive away and my father commuted.

He was a voracious reader and was seldom without a book in his hand when at home. Sometimes he would be into two books at a time. I used to read a lot then and obviously picked up the habit from him.

One of the perks being a headmaster's son or for that matter, being a headmaster was that there was a school library budget. So every few months or so we would go to the Anthonian Bookstore in Ipoh to select books for the school library. We would select the books WE wanted and would read them before they were sent to the school library. Inevitably, Sekolah Dato' Idris, Pengkalan Baru, Dindings, Perak eventually had the best library that side of Dindings District!

I remember two books (selected by my father, ironically) in 1976 and 1977 that made deep impressions on me. One was "Life After Life" by Dr Raymond Moody (LAL) and "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne Dyer (YEZ). The first book was an odd choice for an avowed atheist that my father was but the second one was probably a subtle lesson (speaks volumes about his brand of subtility!) he wanted me to learn. I was in Lower Six in 1977 and very restless about life in general.

YEZ is about living life on your own terms; including the pitfalls of self-justification and the avoidance of approval seeking mentality that society (including religions and pop culture) wants you to conform to.

LAL is about near-death-experience (NDE) and people who had been declared clinically dead but somehow return to the realm of the living to tell the tale of "life after life". It was based on Dr Moody's extensive interviews and research on such cases.

Imagine, one book telling me about how to live a life and another postulating that life may only start in earnest with death! Perhaps the few people who know me well today, can now understand me even better if they too were to read those two books!

I consider 1976 to 1979 my transitional years; from teenager to adulthood even before I was 21 in 1980 and those two books shaped much of my thinking even till today.

Retrospection: Personal Encounters With Death (1); 04/04/81. A Parent's Consternation.

Recently, I chanced upon an episode of the TV series "Judging Amy" while surfing the channels on Astro. There was a sub-story about a boy who had been hit by a car and doctors were trying to save his life as he had massive internal bleeding. His vital signs were diminishing and was given only 30% chance of pulling through. What struck me about the story was not the boy but seeing what his father was going through at the hospital.

A sense of regret came over me as I remembered my own experience as a motor accident victim, and that I had never really wondered what my own father actually went through. As far as that accident was concerned, I had always been consumed by "what" happened to "ME"; "I" suffered; "I" almost died; I thought it was ONLY about ME!

Slightly more than 26 years ago on the 4th of April, 1981, while on the way back to Taiping for Ching Beng I was involved in a horrific car accident that claimed 3 lives. The accident was near Bukit Gantang where last week, that bus accident which claimed 20 lives occurred.

There were 3 of us in a Ford Escort Ghia driven by my brother-in-law, Eric with my sister, Grace seated in front. I was at the back and happened to be lying down when the collision occurred. The fact that I was lying down on the back seat probably saved my life; otherwise my neck would have been broken. I was asleep when the collision occurred and woke up on damp grass and to the voices of people checking out the wreckage. It was obvious there were fatalities from what they were saying but apart from knowing I was alive there was no inkling of what happened to Grace and Eric.

The previous day had me and my friend Kok Seng Teck riding around KL in the rain on his motorbike; that accounted for me being tired. Seng Teck, from Ipoh was supposed to accompany us back up to his home town. We had dropped him off after supper and continued our journey to Taiping after midnight. There was no North-South Highway back then.

As we passed Padang Rengas on a straight road, a car overtaking at the blind corner ahead rammed head-on into us. I later found out there were 5 people in the Mazda 808 and 3 of them were killed.

Grace was 6 months pregnant at the time, and the seat belt which saved her life unfortunately fractured her clavicle and probably also caused her to miscarry. Eric sustained leg injuries and he limps slightly till this day. My injuries that caused me to be hospitalized for more than 2 months, were the worst. Apart from a broken right clavicle, I had internal bleeding due to a badly larcerated right kidney and went into shock. My blood pressure was plummeting and pulse hardly perceptible. I remember flitting in and out of consciousness and that my mother was already at the Kuala Kangsar hospital (the first hospital I was taken to); I remember pissing blood into a urinal. I remember the dull internal pain and breathing becoming increasingly difficult.

At Kuala Kangsar hospital I remember seeing Grace on a hospital trolley next to me and was conscious. She was crying and looking for Eric and I remember I lied to her that he was okay eventhough I had no idea how Eric was at the time.

I would have died if not for a series of fortuitous incidences that followed the accident and my father's intervention. In fact, this retrospection is not about me; it is about my parents. The accident had occurred at about 1.30 am and the first fortuitous thing was that Eric was conscious throughout. The second thing was that a good samaritan had stopped to offer help. He managed to get information from Eric as to who to contact and that saved my life!

Till today, we do not know who the guy is but he phoned my parents and they rushed to Kuala Kangsar after picking up our stuff from the guy at Simpang. I can now imagine the consternation that my parents were experiencing as they drove pass the wreckage towards Kuala Kangsar.

My father was a "take charge" kind of a guy and the fourth fortuitous thing was that he was there early. When he saw my condition, his first reaction was to ask for the doctor. When he found that there was none around but a hospital assistant, he made such a fuss that they had to summon a doctor from somewhere. My father insisted an ambulance be made available immediately to send us to Ipoh General Hospital and the doctor never had much choice in the matter as my father threatened him with all sorts of pernicious things that could go wrong with his career. That saved my life and my right kidney!

From Kuala Kangsar, my father phoned his friend Mr Levins who was also the Chief Surgeon of Perak and Levins and his team were waiting for us when we arrived at Ipoh GH. Levins immediately got me into emergency surgery and I was told later that I would have died if I had stay any longer at Kuala Kangsar. I cannot imagine the emotional pain my father was going through at the time but the example he set by being so collected under pressure is one of the most important lessons he taught me. His own emotions must have been in turmoil yet he managed to "pull all stops" for us and made the right decisions.

I remember clearly being conscious just before the surgery and the cold metal trolley they put me on. I remember thinking just before they knocked me out that I was ready not to wake up again; I was prepared for death! I remember being very calm but I also remember fighting to breathe!

Mr Levins later recounted that when he opened me up he found I was bleeding profusely from a badly banged up right kidney. The bleeding had filled my abdominal cavity and that I was not only slowly bleeding to death, but also suffocating to death. The movement of my diaphragm was getting increasingly limited.

The rest of his team wanted to remove my kidney but since Levins knew me, he resisted and told them he was willing to go in again if the bleeding did not stop. He also considered that I was still too young to lose a kidney which he felt could be avoided and that I was very fit at the time. I was still actively playing rugby during that period. After cauterizing whatever larcerations he could and cleaning up the blood, he closed me up. That was when the waiting started as the bleeding continued.

It was my father again that came to my salvation as he got his friends in Ipoh to troop in personnel from the police field force brigade stationed at Ipoh to donate blood. After 3 days and 17 pints of blood transfusion the bleeding stopped.

I was to remain in hospital for more that 2 months with painful penicillin jabs twice daily as infection would have caused real problems. It was again my parents that made my stay at the 2nd/3rd class ward bearable as I never had to endure government hospital food when I recovered enough to eat. My meals were catered from a nearby coffeehouse. It would have cost my father money that he could not afford.

As I think back, I feel a sense of remorse that I took my parents for granted during that episode. What they went through was equally if not more traumatic; for me, I could have been just snuffed out and that would have been the end.

My father's performance under severe pressure remains a great lesson for me and that lesson has seen me through many upheavals in my own life ever since.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

Conceptual Framework?

My dear friend, Colonel MNT always reminds me of the importance of having our own clear conceptual framework before involving in any serious discourse especially on matters nebulous and ambigious; examples being psychiatry, spirituality and religion. Otherwise "it can get acrimonious and full of verbal embuggerances."

To paraphrase Colonel MNT from one of his inspired postings:

"We have to exercise extraordinary caution, if I may say, in posting on religiosity or spirituality on our network. Personally, I don’t have any hard feeling on the subject because I am a secular humanist who believes that all religions are sick men’s dreams, false – demonstrably false – and pernicious.

To a lot of believers, religion is a compelling primordial sentiment – it stems from the “givens”. It’s self-standing. The others are language, race - a biological concept but in reality its colour of skin, blood ties, region and culture.

If we discuss religion without declaring our conceptual framework, it can get acrimonious and full of verbal embuggrances. The bottom of the network will fall off.

In our conceptual construct, we need to frame what is logos – rational thinking – and mythos – myth, mythology and superstition that embellish a religion to make it viable to those who need it. Are our thoughts from the contexts of the “revealed scriptures” or from philosophies for instance, Buddhism? Can the belief system of God be debated? If there is no God, are we likely to invent Her or Him? Is the monotheistic God rational? In essence, what is your belief system?

At the moment we are facing the dread and mayhem of those who believe without second thought with instantaneous obedience to the twisted precepts of dogmas allegedly from God. This is a strange phenomenon – HE must be a cosmic Saddam Hussein!! The most incredible rationale is to murder yourself so that you will be accepted to a cosmic bordello. Their astral journey to the erotic paradise full of salacious houris creates primordial sentimental conflicts.

If we, like robots obey every single edict of the sacred texts, the world would be full of Christians who love their enemies and turn the other cheek when attacked. When a shithead of whatever religion has decided to do something harmful and murderous, he can find scriptural texts that seem to endorse his bloody action. It’s easier to hoist into his nut a lot of bullshit by an alleged religious teacher if the goon is mentally weak, a marginal man or a deviant.

Pardon me, this network is better off to indulge in the flotsam and jetsam of school nostalgia. It is more hilarious to read that Ms Mary Nallakutty who taught English in Form 2 had thin hairy legs and you cannot balance your tooth-brush on her projection where female’s milk is secreted.

Let’s have love, virtue and compassion and the rest of the wonders of life will cum."

What then is a conceptual framework? Taken separately, the two words seem simple enough. The following is as good as any (though a bit elaborate) that I have been able to trawl from the Net:

What is a conceptual framework?

There are many ways to explain a conceptual framework. It can be any or all of the following:

- A set of coherent ideas or concepts organized in a manner that makes them easy to communicate to others.
- An organized way of thinking about how and why a project takes place,and about how we understand its activities.
- The basis for thinking about what we do and about what it means, influenced by the ideas and research of others.
- An overview of ideas and practices that shape the way work is done in a project.
- A set of assumptions, values, and definitions under which we all work together.

Why do we need a framework when doing research?

A framework can help us to explain why we are doing a project in a particular way. It can also help us to understand and use the ideas of others who have done similar things.

We can use a framework like a travel map. We can read a map, because others before us have come up with common symbols to mark streets, lakes, highways, cities, mountains, rivers, etc...The scale on a map tells us how far apart different places are, so we will get an idea how long it might take us to get from one point to the next. A map also shows us that there may be many different paths that can be taken to get to the same place.

A framework can help us decide and explain the route we are taking: why would we use certain methods and not others to get to a certain point. People might have tried a similar path before and have had different experiences using one road versus another. Or, there may be paths that have never been explored. With a conceptual framework, we can explain why we would try this or that path, based on the experiences of others, and on what we ourselves would like to explore or discover.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Trying To Make Sense Of It All (I)

Today is the 27th day of Jeannie's passing and the number, 27 has always been significant in her life and therefore also mine since our lives became entwined. We were married at 27, I had an office on the 27th floor, Jeannie's car number was 27, Jeannie and Krystyn were both born on a 27th, Prince Cheah came to us on a 27th, and so forth. It is also past the 21 days that Maxwell Maltz in his book "Psycho Cybernetics" says is the minimum period it takes for humans to get used to anything "new". In other words, it takes at least 21 days to effect any perceptible change in a mental image.

I did not need 21 days to accept the fact that my Jeannie had passed away and her body cremated three days later. I accept the physical irreversibility and though she would not want us to grieve too much, I continue to miss her physical presence dearly. Life as they say, goes on and the world stops for no one. Facing the realities of life has never been an issue for me and whether it be personal or work concerns, I have taken them in my stride.

Adjusting to life without Jeannie is difficult but I can and will manage. More disquieting to me are the hopes that Jeannie and I shared for ourselves.

The supreme hope was for us to be together FOREVER. Ours was a relationship that was "too good to be true" and we strongly believed it must have been forged in another time and plane. We knew that in an earthly sense, all good things must come to an end and inevitably we broached the subject of death; if there really was such a thing as eternity would we choose to spend it together? The answer that was so easy to decide became the basis of a fervently shared Hope. As in Life, there are no guarantees in Death-there is only hope when we are alive.

It is this Hope that I carry with me now. For now I will take comfort in the words of My Darling Jeannie that were written as a comment to my post She... :

"Our marriage is the golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is ever lasting love.

Trust our Love, for in it is hidden the gate to eternity...."

Uncannily, Jeannie's last line above could have been an adaptation of line 10 in Chapter 27 of Kahlil Gibran's celebrated work, "The Prophet"; that chapter is entitled "Death".

I have never been a religious man for I could not live by faith alone. Having started out as an atheist, I developed into an agnostic before toying with the values of secular humanism. I trust (have faith?) that our Love is true as the past 22 years have been bliss. There is now this yearning in me to develop a conceptual framework that can encompass and vindicate my Hope, comfort a restless heart; reconciliation of self with self.

I could be grasping at straws but my further readings and thoughts on the matter will be contained in some future postings in this blog as I seek to make sense of it all.

Thursday, 2 August 2007

Dashed Hopes? Or Ascension of the Soul?

This was posted by Jeannie in her blog about one and a half months before her demise. When I first read it, it gave me fresh hope and a great sense of pride that she is my wife. My comment which is also reproduced below reflected this.

Now, re-reading Jeannie's reply (also reproduced below) to my comment gives me a very different perspective. She told me, "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them". I get your drift My Darling.



I was faced with a reality in which each day was possibly my last day, each hour my last hour, and I recognized that for whatever limited time I had remaining, I wanted to be happy with my family.

Living a compromise made no sense to me. Since each day was possibly the last one I would ever have, I wanted to do what makes me happy, whatever my heart was asking for. It didn't make sense for me to do things I didn't enjoy just because someone else thought it would be not be good for me. Their loving intentions were recognized, but I knew it was not my way. My path to healing had to include a sense of enjoyment in all that I did, and I had to be true to myself, to be real. I had to believe in the recovery process.

I was presented with the idea that our perceptions create our reality, and I realized that I had to reprogram my consciousness to create the perception that I was well. I was not prepared for such an abrupt shift from the perception of being so unwell and unhappy, but I realized that I could much more easily create the perception that I was getting better and better, until I was indeed well.

I had had the perception that I was in a state of deterioration, getting closer and closer to losing a game I didn’t want to be a part of in the first place, and I knew that if I were to have as the end result the perception that I was well, I would have to change from getting worse and worse to getting better and better. I also knew that the turn-around could happen in any moment. It was a matter of turning a switch in my mind, and insisting on knowing that it had been turned. I decided that if the moment of change could be any moment, then let it be now before I turned into a piece of furniture around my house.

I felt a shift in my consciousness after my very good friend and her husband took my daughter and I to this very spiritual place. It left me in a state of confusion for days and I knew then that I was in a state of improvement. Though many more unpleasant things still happens without a reason and have given up on knowing why or how it happened.

I also knew the importance of maintaining the integrity of that decision, and of that moment. I knew that all of my perceptions had to reinforce the idea that I was now getting better and better. For example, I could remind myself as I ate whatever food I wanted, that it was exactly what my body needed to accelerate the healing process and etc. My heart and my mind looked for more and more ways of knowing that the improvement was happening.

I knew I had to stay away from those people who insisted on seeing me as fragile or an ill luck person. They are not doing me any good anyway. Not to mention those who abandon me in my most desperate times. Can't blame them anyway and I do not want to. Not from any lack of love, but just to maintain my own positive attitude toward my healing process. I had to be with people who were willing to encourage me on this seemingly impossible task I had set for myself. When I was asked how I was doing, I insisted on answering, "Better and better," and seeing how that was, in fact, true.

I knew that it was vital to maintain the positive programming and that putting myself in a relaxed state of mind and talking positively to myself for fifteen minutes everyday, was a part of the programming process I should in no way interfere with. There were temptations to not do the relaxations, and then I would remind myself that my life was at stake. Any temptation, then, was something that stood between me and my life, and had to be removed, so that I could live on and be with my family and loved ones.

At first, it was very difficult. I found that the integrity of the moment of change was easily compromised, by my thoughts or words acknowledging anything other than the idea that I was improving, and I had to be honest with myself, and see that, and then know that I "do not have any choice." Then, I could tell myself that what had happened was just a practice run, and that the real moment of change was now.

It got easier and easier. I was able to maintain integrity for just hours at first, then a day, then two days, and then I was solid. I knew the program was working. I was able to recognize the doubting voice inside, and know that it did not represent truth. I was able to identify with the encouraging voice. It became my guide, leading me back to myself as much as possible.

I was more and more able to maintain the signs of knowing that positive changes were happening. When I was not feeling a symptom, I told myself that perhaps now I would never feel that symptom again. If I experienced the symptom after that, I told myself that the process was just not yet complete, and that indeed I was feeling the symptom less than I had before.(symptom goes back to the many months of blood vomiting, oh! what hell days and nights)Not forgetting those two beautiful voices of my kids telling me.......we want our mummy back! That was enough for me not to give in to the other side which was not suppose to be here. I had to know that positive changes were happening now, possibly just at the threshold of notice-ability, so I could eagerly anticipate evidence to justify my perceptions. Naturally, I was always able to find something, and so assure myself that it was not something I was just imagining, but real, and more strength was added to the process with the love and understanding of my family.

I found myself having less and less in common with my old friends. It was as though we had shared whatever that means, and suddenly I found myself having few things to communicate with. I had to find new friends to have someone to talk or share with.

I found myself being attracted to new friends, and them to me, as though I had become selectively magnetic, and letting go of certain elements of my reality were being released that were no longer in sync with the new Being I was becoming. I knew the process was inevitable, and should not be interfered with.

I developed a sense of compassion and understanding at that time. I knew that my life depended on releasing all elements of my life not in accordance with my new vibration. When it becomes a matter of life and death, the choice becomes a clear one, and simple, although not always easy.

I began each day as a process of self-discovery, with no preconceived notion of who I was, yet with a willingness to discover the emerging Being, and a sense of delight with each new discovery.

As I transformed my way of "Being", my lifestyle has changed dramatically. It no longer makes any sense to go round pleasing people that are filled with negativities. I learn to get use to the idea of doing what I really want to do and not doing what I really do not want to do, and trusting my trip, listening to my inner voice. Most of all I have learn to say NO when it’s a NO! It’s a decision I have never regretted.

With what I learned of the body/mind relationship from my experience and during my own healing process, I developed a model of healing as a way to organize in my own mind what had happened for me, and what had worked.

I gradually became involved in healing others again when conditions seemed to demand that and in doing that I saw more and more examples of the body/mind interface covering many other problems. The model of healing I was using became more and more coherent and multi-dimensional.

The work I do now as a healer (a light worker) and teacher is meaningful to me, important to others as well, and is of service to humanity, the way my friends provided me (especially my kids) during my darkest times. I have a strong sense of doing my life's work. I know that I am doing what I came to this planet to do. I know it is right. It's not a feeling that I had so strong before.

I discovered the joy of sharing my experiences (though not in details) and ideas with others and watching them benefit as they put the ideas to work in their own lives. All these were done while I was doing healing for them and with them. Some were even taught by me and I am glad in many ways I was guided to do so. Especially so, when things work out well for them. Bless them!

It may seem as though the individual had awakened from a dream, yet there seemed no difference between the dream and reality. Things made sense in a different way. A perceptual filter will have been removed; a filter through which values had been determined, and without that filter, truer values will become evident. The "new" Being may even have different tastes in food and/or clothing, and different personal habits. It will be a welcome transformation.

While instantaneous change is always possible and available, most people do not seem to be prepared for so abrupt a shift in their way of Being. Gradual change seems generally more comfortable for the Being involved, as well as for others in the Being's environment.

With instantaneous change, there is the experience of sudden clarification of what had been obscure, and a sense something like what might be experienced by a Being suddenly finding itself in a body, and watching a movie unfolding around itself, a movie that had just begun (I was watching a movie without an ending for such a long long time). It is just spread out over a longer period of time. The same issues keep repeating. I want changes to be made. In addition, only I can maintain the single-mindedness of this journey's purpose.

To those people close to the me, it could be a very confusing time, as well. It could seem as though the person they had known me to be, had suddenly changed in a way; gone crazy. Habitual patterns of behavior and responding would suddenly no longer be there, and it could be very confusing. For my own health and well-being, however, I hope they would be totally supportive of this new Being, since attempts to re-create the old me was never successful.

Accepting Me.......As Me! Life must again be harmonious, and the body's state of health and well-being indicate that the Being has returned to balance, and may now identify with the way they are. The transformation and healing will then be complete.

When an individual who has been out of balance has made the decision to return to balance, they must make it a high priority project. Nothing else must be more important; a priority I took upon myself as I began this journey. When there has been the recognition of a path to health, nothing must interfere with that path. The development and maintenance of a positive mental attitude is imperative.

Within my Being, within my consciousness, is the ability to love, to perceive without judgment or expectation, to care. We have a potential for infinite love, whether or not we choose to recognize it, and whether or not you choose to manifest it. In fact, this love is the very nature of all humans.

We have the ability to love wherever there was a perception of a lack of love, or a call for love. Love heals.

We have in our consciousness the potential and ability to heal anything, on any level, in ourselves as well as in any other Being, since it's all just love and energy. What remains is for us to realize this fully and actualize that potential.

Open up your heart and love.........and Love does heal.

In many ways I have learned tough lessons throughout the rather eventful time for the past two years, and I have many dear friends to thank. They were angels who held my hands through my pitch dark days and I thank the Universe for sending me these friends. I shall hold them close to my heart.

My family who never gave up on me no matter how difficult times were then. I would never be able to make it here without them.

May I continue with this healing journey of mine till the end of my Time!

Thanking my Masters, Angels and Spirit Guides with Love.

My Comment in that post:

My Darling,

You cannot imagine the joy in my heart as I read this post. I have sensed for some time now that you have been scouring your heart and even the Net for the right words to express your thoughts and feelings about the ordeal.

It is never easy when a major part of your healing journey has to do with ignoring the affliction and the consequential trauma; yet paradoxically to heal, you needed to dwell on it in search of clarity. You sought clarity of thought in words and Darling, you have found the words. The abating symptoms are proof that you have somehow managed to make two things that are mutually exclusive, concomitant! That My Darling is the miracle of you.

Darling, your determination in the face of grave uncertainty is the hallmark of exemplary character; it resulted in your conscious decision to alter your perceptions thereby changing your attitude towards the adversity. That mental switch you flicked was the positive affirmation which was needed to effect an immediate change that was both demanded and urgent. Very significantly, the confidence and serenity that the re-affirmation J & P led you to was divine. Theirs together with A & P are favors that cannot be repaid and friendships that cannot be measured; you are indeed blessed.

Darling, your words tell me you have triumphed in the mental and emotional conflict within you and as you trek on, the body has to heal and it will indeed. To me, the most remarkable thing about the conscious “transformation of your Being” has been the conscious decision to Love.

Darling, through you I have learnt that it is all so easy to feel Love yet conscious decisions to give Love is an entirely different concept. Your healing has been with Love and it is also Love that results from the Healing; this is indeed a precious realization. I have gleaned this from your loving thoughts and actions throughout your healing process and the words that you choose here.

In this post, I see you have not only succeeded in crystallizing your own thoughts but have put together a message that carries hope, comfort and inspiration for us all in our own lives. What is that if not an act of Love and altruism?

My Darling, I love the you of today as I have loved you since the day we met. For all the trials and tribulations, one thing has not and will not change in essence and that is your Beautiful Soul. I can only see it evolving towards higher planes. That is what I love in you and that is why I will always love you.

In conclusion Darling, let me assure you that I will do my utmost to maintain an environment conducive for you to seek greater truths and do greater good. My Darling, it is time for you to get off your frantic “hurdle race” and join me in the less frenetic steeplechase as we all race against time to make the most of our Universal Energy.

…….May The Force Be With Us.

Your Loving Husband


Jeannie's reply:

Thanking you with love......The Wind Beneath My wings.

I carry your heart with me all the time (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dearest). And whatever is done by me can only be done with you beside me.

I fear no fate (for you are my fate), I want no world (for me, you are my world, and its true). And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant. And whatever a sun will always sing is you.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.....

Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud. The sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than souls can hope or minds can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.....We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.

I carry your heart for I carry it in my heart always and forever.

In the name of Love, Light and Blessings.